(Parody of “I Hate Myself For Loving You” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts)

Just might use a landline, won’t FaceTime you
Put on a shirt before I get in the pool
I say things like “Bangin’”, and “I pity the fool”

Oh, snap bracelet on my wrist now 
Unfoldin’ maps, sendin’ faxes around
Don’t watch Modern Family when there’s reruns of Full House

My VCR’s still hooked up, let’s play
A tape of some old Thanksgiving day parades

I date myself with things I do
Call you up instead of texting you
Argyle socks (and) flip-flops when I barbecue
That’s how I date myself with things I do

MySpace is still the place for my crew
So there’s no reason to be Snapchatting you
I’m not using Google, Encyclopedias will do

Play my Goldeneye, not Fortnite
Binge Golden Girls, I love a “sassy broad” fight
I’m going out in jeggings, got my fanny pack on tight

My boom box is blasting a mix tape
Dubbed with Soundgarden, No Doubt, and Dr. Dre

I date myself with things I do
Call you up instead of texting you
Stroll the sidewalk with my baseball cap askew
That’s how I date myself with things I do

I’m re-watching Independence Day
On laserdisc ‘cause I won’t buy the Blu-Ray

I date myself with things I do
Call you up instead of texting you
Collect pet rocks, show off my Pokemon tattoo
That’s how I date myself with things I do

I date myself with things I do
Call you up instead of texting you
I think my awkward Macarena’s cool 
That’s how I date myself with things I do

I date myself with things I do
I date myself with things I do
I date myself with things I do
I date myself
I date myself with things I do